Ozzyfrog’s Rants

Morgan Freeman for PM December 3, 2009

I’m always a bit baffled when I see someone drive past in a Ssangyong. It means that when faced with the need of a new car, they disregarded Honda, Ford, Holden, Toyota, Suzuki Mazda and others, just to name a few. They walked into a showroom, and said ‘Yes, I think this car will do me’. The car in question is not cheap. It looks like Stevie Wonder designed it. It has the elegance of a man in a wheelchair, falling down some stairs. It has the handling of an oil tanker, and the power of Belgium. It will also fall to pieces in roughly 12 seconds. So why would anyone buy such a thing?

The same question was posed this week, in the election for the Liberal leader. Who, in their right mind, voted for Tony Abbott? Or big ears, as I like to call him. Go on, stand up, who voted for him? What’s all the more tantalizing is that he won by a single vote. Because of him, the Emissions Trading Scheme has now been rejected, because it’s just ‘one big tax’, to use Tony’s words. Well, yes, that was sort of the point of the whole thing. When asked why he rejects the idea of an ETS on The 7:30 Report he merely said the word ‘tax’ 1000 times until Kerry O’Brien had to be evacuated for his own safety. Which was followed by the most terrifying laugh I have ever heard in my life. The Count from Sesame Street would have cowered in fear after hearing Abbott’s laugh. So how did we end up with him?

Clearly, there is a problem with the democratic system. Look at America a few years ago, with a population of over 200 million people, the best leader turned out to be a man who couldn’t speak properly. Obama finally cured the drought of good candidates, although he was pitted against a man who looked like he should have been on the front of a chip packet. Then Sarah Palin announced she wanted to run for president. Sweet Jesus. An onion ring would lead the country better than she would.  Apparently, our Prime Minister is called Kevin Rudd, although no-one really knows what he looks like, because he’s never actually in Australia. Which now leaves us all alone in the country with Big Ears. That’s a scary thought.

Something needs to be done. But who would be the best leader of our country? Susan Boyle? Kerry O’Brien? David Attenborough? Morgan Freeman? It’s a tricky one this. In all honesty however, who wouldn’t vote for Morgan Freeman? He has the most important sounding voice ever. But should we still vote at all? Hmm, I think the problem lies in giving the party the power to elect their leader, and who enters the party. This will not do, this is how Big Ears and Big Glasses (John Howard) got into power. What I propose, is a Simulator. It will simulate running the country, including the economy, climate change, major planned events, war overseas, strikes, and will simulate one whole term of leadership. Possible candidates will take the simulator, and the person who handles running the country the best will be elected into power.  This way, people won’t just get into power by their talking skills. Or in Abbott’s case, how well they scare the opposition into backing down. All I need now to implement this, is a position of power…