Ozzyfrog’s Rants

An Ozzyfrog guide to the Election. August 17, 2010

Election date is closing in on us, and so far we have been treated to a highly bland election campaign from the major parties. Big Ears is promising to rip out our nice shiny new broadband network, while Gillard is annoying the hell out of everyone by speaking. The Save the Frog party (alright, The Greens) are offering an alternative view on both the major parties views, while Family First are sitting in their offices, wondering why only 2 people like them. Surely if I can rack up a few comments on this blog every now and again, you would think a ‘major’ party could give me a run for my money on their blog. Apparently not.

If we squint hard, however, logic exists in most (do you hear me, Family First?) of the parties. The liberals have always been good at keeping the economy well nurtured. Labor know this, and so have been wasting truly epic proportions of money on mundane things (see insulation and ticket systems), purely, it seems, to annoy the hell out of the Coalition. However, while they were all laughing at Tony getting red-faced, Kevin Rudd suddenly fell to earth with a knife in his back. As we waved a teary-eyed goodbye to Kevin ’07, Gillard and Abbott put on their game faces and moved into the first round: a live debate.

Julia Gillard started by saying that we need to keep ‘Moving Forward’. Tony said ‘Fair Dinkum’. Gillard repeated her first statement on moving the country forward. Abbott reminded us he was fair dinkum. Gillard stated that moving backwards is an unwise move. Big Ears made a cunning move and openly told the nation that he was fair dinkum. This shocked Gillard, but she remained composed, and retorted that she was moving the country forward. The tables had turned, Abbott was on the back foot, but not for long; for he was fair dinkum. The sheer wit and intensity of the debate, it seemed, led to most of the country switching their television sets off.

From the lacklustre performance of the two major parties however, emerged a stronger, determined underling. The Greens. Scoffed at years ago for being nothing more than tree-huggers, Gillard and Abbott suddenly realised that the Greens actually had policies. A fast rail network, for one, and equal marriage rights for another. Abbott came to the sorry realisation that it might have not been such a good idea to call climate change ‘crap’ as the Greens popularity soared. He quickly changed his position, and by doing so overtook Labor in the polls. Have no fear however, Kevin ’07 was released from hospital from a ‘gall bladder’ operation (is that what they told you?), put on a smile, and joined Gillard as an unstoppable force. Abbott turned around and realised his deputy wasn’t there, and the last time anyone saw her she was staring down a garden gnome.

Round 2 commenced, and Abbott decided to rip out all Labor’s internet plan due to it being a bit pricey. He even decided to go and have a chat to Kerry O’Brien to tell the nation of his great new idea. However, Kerry quickly told him his plan in-fact defied the laws of physics, and the awkward turtle waltzed through the door. Abbott, unable to think of a response, and seemingly forgetting that he is ‘fair dinkum’, began looking for the emergency exit. Unable to find one, he decided to try and get technical and hope Kerry wouldn’t know enough to contradict him. He did. 10 minutes later, with Kerry scoring 1,203 points of pure ownage (a record for him, so I’m told), the interview ended, and Abbott’s public relations team could finally stop wailing.

Damage control quickly whisked Abbott away, and it was time for the next disastrous interview. The two smaller parties, Family First and the Australian Sex Party went head to head on sunrise brekky to debate their points of view. The Sex Party began well, with well thought out policies and smart opinions. Family First started bad, and entered a downwards spiral from there. By the time they got to gay marriage I had a headache, and considered overdosing on Panadol. Wendy Francis’ (speaker for Family First) wails of ‘no, you’re wrong!’ with no valid reason, and stating that gay marriage is unimportant was enough for three of her five followers to leave her. The interview finished, Wendy flew off on her broomstick back to the middle ages, and we once again turned our attention to Labor vs Liberal.

At the time of writing, only three days remain until election day, and it is down to the wire. Gillard and Abbott both impressed their respective voters on Q and A, Julie Bishop returned from her staring contest, Kevin Rudd has returned to obscurity and Wendy Francis is busy burning witches at Stake. So Adrian, who would you vote for? To that question, the answer is obvious. The Nando’s Peri-Peri Party. Hands down.