Ozzyfrog’s Rants

The noise of South Africa July 5, 2010

In recent months, a new weapon of terror has been unleashed upon the world. Those closely affected by it have labelled it as ‘maddening’. The public are scared. The governments are worried. The UN simply are at loss at what to do. Fifa, on the other hand, almost seem to be enjoying the new device, and if you haven’t guessed it already, I am of course talking about the wretched Vuvuzela.  On The first Soccer World Cup game I watched, as I reclined comfortably on the sofa at a crisp 4am, my senses were alerted to the fact that a strange noise was emitting from the TV. What you normally hear at soccer games is chanting, commentary, shouts, cries and wails of despair. Yet this morning all that could be heard was a loud buzzing noise in, as my trained ears told me, E flat (I was later told they buzz in B flat, but really that’s just nitpicking).

As the commentator yelled to be heard and  the players eardrums burst, the rest of the viewing world sat stunned, all pondering the same, meaningful question; “What the hell are they doing?”. Surely they are going to run out of breath. Surely some of them will eventually come to their senses. However, the noise droned on for the entirety of the match. There are few sounds worse than Ke$ha, but I believe we may have stumbled across one. As the surviving players left the field, Fifa was posed the question of banning them (the Vuvuzelas, not the players), and Fifa quickly threw it into the ‘too hard’ basket.

It of course wasn’t long until the AFL fans began to gloat. “Our game has no stupid distractions like that” they cried triumphantly. I don’t care, I will never see the attraction of AFL for a number of reasons. Firstly, must the umpire blow the whistle that frequently? I thought it was rather obvious that the player marked it, seeing as he caught it. I’m not sure, but I also think the sheer frequency of scoring makes it far less exciting than its European counterpart. “Oh, but that makes it less predictable and more exciting” cry the footy fans. No. Go away. I don’t care. Just leave me to my early soccer mornings please (now on mute). I don’t care if Barry Hall is innocent. I don’t really care what drug Ben Cousins has taken this week. Nor do I worry at night about which of the footballers are gay.

Yet you look at the other sports our TV channels have on offer, and it doesn’t get much better. For if you don’t like AFL, then you must love cricket. I say love because I know of few sports that take 5 days to play. They stand around looking at the seagulls, and occasionally a ball is bowled. Even more occasionally, one is hit, and if you believe some of the stories, the players do actually run once in a blue moon. To be honest, I’ve never made it that far into the game; when the commentators begin talking about their lunch it’s a good indication to move on and watch something else.

Then you switch channels to the V8 Supercars. Wow. Sounds pretty amazing, you would have to agree. Until you notice that they’re all Fords or Holdens. So really, it’s back so soccer, and I must admit that’s not a bad thing. The soccer fans are certainly passionate about their sport, so much so that one fan ripped all her vocal cords out whilst blowing on a Vuvuzela. Made the slow motion replays all the more worthwhile. So while it is passionate and exciting, please Fifa, for the next Brazilian world cup, please refrain from allowing the fans to carry trombones. The neighbours would appreciate it.