Ozzyfrog’s Rants

I was watching the ABC news, and they were telling us of how the overbreeding of cats was becoming a major problem in Australia. They of course showed many pictures of cute kittens rolling around and looking cuddly for the cameras. The experts then came on and discussed the issue, and one man came on the screen and said what he thought was causing the overbreeding. Any guesses of what the cause was? Cat owners? Poorly trained vets perhaps? No, not even close. “I believe the overbreeding has been caused by Global Warming”. Seconds later, the TV screen was covered in fried chicken. If I had normally heard such a statement, I would have my hearing checked, or look at the person in a mix of astonishment and perplexity. I probably looked like a goldfish, trying to comprehend the reasoning of how Global Warming causes cats to breed more. As far as I could see, there wasn’t any.

How on earth could Climate Change possibly cause this? I mean, if he can say that on national television, surely we can blame anything on Global Warming. “Damn, my car has a flat tire. Stupid global warming”. “That was a terrible golf shot. Silly Global Warming”. “My toast landed butter side up. Damn climate change”. In fact, I might start trying this. It was interesting that only last week the leader of the ‘Family First’ political party said that Global Warming is fake and there is no proof that it exists. I presume the 7 people who follow that party dropped to 1 after he said that. I admire his boldness, but not his intelligence. Although, he seems to be a right side smarter than many environmentalists. I kid you not, there are people who go out in groups into the forests of America and yell about how sad they are of deforestation to the trees. Not to one another, to the trees. And I mean yell, cry, scream and tell the trees how sorry they are. Wouldn’t they be a fun bunch to have dinner with?

When some people decide to try to save the earth, their sense of humour vanishes. Taking the green bag to the supermarket becomes a life and death struggle. And God help the poor souls who poke fun at the greenhouse effect. I don’t mind people speaking their mind, but some of the protests that they do are so strange. For instance, I absolutely despise the organisation ‘Plane Stupid’, so much that I actually wrote them an angry letter (which was quite amusing, I should post it here sometime). This is partly because I am an aviation enthusiast, but also because of their silly protests and general impossibility of what they are trying to achieve. Ban airplanes? And they try to do this by chaining themselves to a runway fence or throwing green goo on a minister we’ve never heard of before. Do you think a politician would listen to someone who throws goo on someones suit?

You can, of course, always tell who an eco nut is. They will obviously be driving some horrid eco-box, like an old Toyota Prius, which by the way is the most pointless car to ever roam the earth. It is expensive, has two pathetically small engines and still eats 4.4L per 100km. That doesn’t sound to bad, but considering a sporty Peugeot 207 diesel does 4.8L in the real world (Toyota test in factory conditions) it’s not very good. And it’s horrid to the environment when it’s being made in the factory. A Hummer is actually more tulip loving than a Prius driven three times longer than it, because of the polluting way the electric engine is manufactured. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, beardie. I think it is a clever attempt by Toyota, but it’s just not worth the money. And neither are most people who drive them.

Exams are here, and for most people that means uninteresting and possibly stressful nights of study. While VCE can be quite interesting, it is time consuming. It is also quite spooky to think that I only have 1.5 years of school left for the rest of my life. While 1.5 years may sound like a long time, I know that it isn’t, and school will be over before I know it. Which will be interesting, but sad. I am one of the lucky few people who know exactly what they want to do after school, and as a career. However, I know for a fact that few people are in the same boat as me, and it’s hardly surprising. We are only 16 after all. But what would be the coolest jobs you could possibly have?

Obviously, an Astronaut would be fairly cool, but that job almost seems redundant now, since Virgin Galactic has come along. Apparently, in just a year or two we will be able to blast into space for just $200,000 a pop. Richard Branson says that it’s “as safe as an early airliner”. Which, if you remember the Comet, means that many pop stars and millionaires will be burnt to a crisp. But after Bill Gates and Stevie Wonder become space junk, the safety of it should improve and it will become more affordable. So while it seems tempting to join NASA, it would be better to start saving money now.

Of course, being James Bond would be quite an exciting way to lead your life. Driving Aston Martins, fighting villains in style and constantly meeting beautiful women seems like a good lifestyle. And while you may get knocked around a fair bit, you will be utterly safe from death because James Bond cannot die. Ever. And How can Daniel Craig resist, just once in a while, from pretending to be James Bond? He has the looks, and the money to buy the Aston. Of course, I think the Australian Secret Service should get all their agents to drive Astons. And perhaps hire Daniel Craig to work for them. Think about it. If you were a nasty villain, and on the front drive of your mansion you saw a DB9 pull up with Daniel Craig at the wheel, you would be fairly worried wouldn’t you?

I personally quite like jobs that involve a lot of jargon. For instance, two weeks ago I went to visit an orthodontist, and he was very nice and I lay down so he could look at my teeth. “Everything fine?” he said. “Yes, thank you” I replied. Well, that’s what I tried to reply. The assistant had just put a large metal thing in my mouth, so it probably came out as “Ylehds, Blanchks shou”. “Excellent”, he said. Then he spontaneously decided to speak another language. What language it was, I’m not sure, but it sure wasn’t English. “Alice, I need a 2 over a 4, with moderate chalking over the mayan plamion. Make sure the teacake is buk buk, and make note of 2, 4, 46, 75, 28 and 782.” “What?” I said. Or more accurately, “wchlat?”. Then they have the nerve to turn back to you and talk perfect English again. What he told me later was that I will either need just braces put in and have 4 teeth removed, or have my jaw broken and have the braces in for less amount of time. Enticing choice, isn’t it?

The point is, dentists love jargon. And so do I. I fly light aircraft, and the jargon involved in that is just brilliant. “Tango November Uniform is at Carrum, one-thousand five-hundred, received Papa inbound, request circuits.” VCAA, the organisation who runs VCE, love acronyms. Although, all of them must start with v. Honestly, if you forget the acronym you want, just say VBAH or VOPSD and they will get the idea of what you’re talking about. Also, many of my friends are interested in computers, and so whenever they start talking programming it starts sounding like their talking in Norwegian. So whatever job you choose, I of course recommend doing something you love, although a few fancy words makes it a bit more fun. Or you could drive Astons. It’s your choice.